Parapluie

For a moment I thought my heart was healing, sadly it was only a mind trick.

With love,

Pie

Strange Sensation

An excerpt from a letter I sent recently:

"I don't want to use too many big words when describing my feelings towards you. Maybe it's because they're over-used and it makes them seem less true, or perhaps I just don't want to repeat myself.

What I feel is strange and in a way unfamiliar to me. I guess I can call it love. It's not a crush, it's not a fragment of my imagination, it's not something I would hope for or strive towards, I'm not trying to emphasise it in my mind. It's just there, in me, in you, between us, in my phone, my mailbox, my sheets, my apartment. But still it feels as if it comes from the outside, not from my heart or brain or any other part of me. It is something that moved in my body during our time spent together and has no plans on leaving soon. 

As if it were physical sensation, not just a mind trick."

Jarek Puczel

in my apartment, photographed by Pie

Yours,
Rapunzel

These Days

It is a strange time of the year. Days are so short I cannot even absorb them properly. It feels like I am watching a film. Things are happening right in front of my eyes but I do not have the strength or ability to change the plot. There is this great void in my heart waiting to be filled with something indifferent, something which would make the unexplainable sorrow and sadness a little bit easier. If only I knew what I am looking for.

My mind is filled with questions and thoughts about this past year, about all the decisions I made, about all the words that were left unsaid, about all the people who came upon my way and about all the things  that never happened even though I wished more than anything they would. I want to find a way out of my mind but the ghosts from my past mercilessly haunt me.

I used to be able to shut the outer world and melancholic thoughts about the unbearable lightness of being out. I buried my self in work, chasing the goal of being the best at something. I honestly thought this was the key to happiness and it actually was for a while but the magic quickly faded and I was left with nothing.Today, I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I am the wanderer who seeks yet never finds his rest. 

Winter has not been kind to me, to us but there is still some light that never goes out and I choose to believe this is enough.

With love, Pie

The Swamp of Saddness

It's the time of the year when the sky, the cities and the people turn grey and the fog prevents you from seeing things clearly. It's the time of the year when everything I want to do is lay on my bed in comfy hipster-ski-sweaters, read books, listen to unpopular music, eat chocolate and have an understanding cat purring by my side.

I think solitude is great, because human contacts are a fleeting thing, no matter how pessimistic that sounds. I spend a lot of my time pondering interactions between people and I always come to a conclusion that no bond between two people is made without cracks, two people will always be two people, because we are not made as bubbles that can merge into one upon bumping into eachother. I also hate when someone asks me "what are you thinking about?". If I thought that explaining them my thoughts at that moment would have any effect at all, if I wanted the person I'm with to know what is going on in my head, I would obviously already have told them.

a caption from Unmade Beds

What I wanted to say is that being self-sufficient is one of the best things ever, because people break up, friends change, divorce, migration, death, awful. Wouldn't it be great if we weren't herd animals and every one of us could survive by themselves? I, for one, would have a lovely stone house, with a garden and cats and hens. It would be overlooking the ocean, so I could ponder about life while watching the infinite horizon and stuff. Or I would live in a bus on Alaska like Alex Supertramp. But given my surviving skills, I would probably starve to death in a month or so.

A lot like this painting by Jean-François Millet

The problem is that people aren't made to be alone. Living in isolation results in frustration or pathological conditions like being-a-crazy-cat-lady, for example. And even though I don't trust people and never take anyone's affection for granted, I figured that this uncertainty regarding relationships is something I have to live with, because being around people you like is comforting, and you can't deny that, no matter how big of a self-sufficiency fan you are.

I guess what I'm saying is that I like being around others, because I think that understanding others, their motives, fears and desires, can help you understand the human kind and therefore, yourself. I just don't want to venture into the outside world just yet. Right now, my bed and a book is all I need, but I guess tomorrow I will be compelled to face the horrors of socializing again.

Sincerely,

Rapunzel.

City With No Children

Photowalk in Kamnik, my hometown. Revisiting places from my past, places long lost in my memory.

Secret corners where we used to play hide and seek, abandoned factory which we never dared to enter,

a statue in front of my school in which we threw snowballs every winter, a vast field of wheat, which is gone now...

Places seemed so different, so sad and wistful, as all who used to find their magic kingdoms there were gone forever.

With Love,

Pie.

Permanent Vacation

Today I watched a film Permanent Vacation directed by Jim Jarmusch and I loved it! The main character is a 20-year-old Allie (Chris Parker), who lives in New York with his girlfriend Leila, well, 'girlfriend' is maybe not the best term to describe the relationship they have, we don't actually learn much about her. She is just there, beautiful and serious, smoking and sitting in a graceful position by the window in their apartment.

Basically the whole film is about Allie who wanders around the backstreets of New York, searching for answers, trying to find out what life is about. He meets a bunch of crazy people and has short, insignificant conversations with them. His mother is in a mental hospital, father is dead and house where he was born was bombed. It does not seem he has anything or anyone to lean on, that's why he drifts.

This is an extremely slow paced film, so I might not recommend it to impatient viewers, but it has to be this way to represent Allie's mood successfully. He is lost, but in the end he finds his way out of this situation. He leaves New York and goes to Paris, although he knows things are probably not going to be any different there.

You cannot escape from yourself, but being on permanent vacation-a life tourist does the trick at least for a while.

Permanent Vacation: Allie dancing

I have my dreams when I'm awake

Leila. She does not say much, nor does Allie.

Leaving, but looking back on Manhattan

Leila: I'm tired of being alone.
Allie: Everyone is alone. That's why I just drift you know. People think it's crazy. But it's better to think you are not alone, you know, when you are drifting, even though you are, instead of just knowing you are alone all the time. Some people, you know, they can distract themselves with ambitions and motivation to work, you know, but not me...

I am starting to realise how very right he is. Moving around from one place to another without settling at least gives you an excuse that you feel alienated  because you don't spend enough time anywhere. It's a good trick. At least you don't have to deal with harsh reality of eternal loneliness.

With Love,
Pie

Summertime Sadness

In winter I always imagine how awesome and cool summer is going to be. I would do so many things. I would read, watch films and do a million of DIY projects. I would eat ice-cream every day and meet up with friends and we would have road trips and not care for a single thing in this world.

And now. I just sit inside my home trying hard to ignore the fact that summer is actually here but I feel like staying locked in my room forever. Doing nothing other than pitying myself and wondering what time will bring.

With love, Pie.