Home is where outside world is not

I recently moved away from my parents to an apartment in the centre of Ljubljana. I decorated and renovated it myself, with the help of family and friends. During hours of painting and scraping off old tiles, during countless cigarettes and long baths it has become very dear to me. Even when it's dirty, when I'm alone, or when moths intrude, I feel safe and hidden here.

morning melancholia

Hello darlings,
these photos were taken on the 1st of January. We woke up tired, outside was grey, cold and uninviting. We were anything but excited about the new year starting, it would be nice to just freeze time the previous night, keep alive the feeling of something new coming. Rather, we woke up to see the same city, same houses, same clouds, to find out that the weight of life we felt the previous year didn't go away. But isn't it always so? I've never met anyone who would change themselves or their lives just because they've reached a certain year or age. Oh, it's 2013, let's do more sports. No.

Only when your habits, mind processes or looks become unbearable to you, when you can't live with them anymore, you gather strength to make a change.

Aren't they lovely, my friends, my dearests?

Sincerely,

Rapunzel

New Year's Evening Ennui

These photos were taken on New Year's Eve. Yes, that was quite some time ago, but at the beginning of January always comes a flood of ugly party photos with drunk people's red faces on them. These are nothing like it. My lovely friends, glitter, fur, velvet, disco - it was a good, good night, full of shiny things and silly deeds.

Parapluie

For a moment I thought my heart was healing, sadly it was only a mind trick.

With love,

Pie

Strange Sensation

An excerpt from a letter I sent recently:

"I don't want to use too many big words when describing my feelings towards you. Maybe it's because they're over-used and it makes them seem less true, or perhaps I just don't want to repeat myself.

What I feel is strange and in a way unfamiliar to me. I guess I can call it love. It's not a crush, it's not a fragment of my imagination, it's not something I would hope for or strive towards, I'm not trying to emphasise it in my mind. It's just there, in me, in you, between us, in my phone, my mailbox, my sheets, my apartment. But still it feels as if it comes from the outside, not from my heart or brain or any other part of me. It is something that moved in my body during our time spent together and has no plans on leaving soon. 

As if it were physical sensation, not just a mind trick."

Jarek Puczel

in my apartment, photographed by Pie

Yours,
Rapunzel

These Days

It is a strange time of the year. Days are so short I cannot even absorb them properly. It feels like I am watching a film. Things are happening right in front of my eyes but I do not have the strength or ability to change the plot. There is this great void in my heart waiting to be filled with something indifferent, something which would make the unexplainable sorrow and sadness a little bit easier. If only I knew what I am looking for.

My mind is filled with questions and thoughts about this past year, about all the decisions I made, about all the words that were left unsaid, about all the people who came upon my way and about all the things  that never happened even though I wished more than anything they would. I want to find a way out of my mind but the ghosts from my past mercilessly haunt me.

I used to be able to shut the outer world and melancholic thoughts about the unbearable lightness of being out. I buried my self in work, chasing the goal of being the best at something. I honestly thought this was the key to happiness and it actually was for a while but the magic quickly faded and I was left with nothing.Today, I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I am the wanderer who seeks yet never finds his rest. 

Winter has not been kind to me, to us but there is still some light that never goes out and I choose to believe this is enough.

With love, Pie

new old Canon: debut